I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
