i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
