I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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