he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
