i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
