Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
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