Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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