We're facebook friends in real life
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Randomize
