well I can't set my house on fire every night
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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