Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
