fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
