He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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