My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
