it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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