I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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