they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
