I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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