I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
