In the future we'll all be gay
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
My apartment stinks of burning failure
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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