This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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