I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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