that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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