if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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