i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
