Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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