he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Randomize
