according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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