nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
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