Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
