i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
