She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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