I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
