new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
