I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
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