Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
