You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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