dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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