the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
