I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
