Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
