Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
