GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
