I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
