well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
