So drunk its hurt
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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