conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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