He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
not ubering you a puppy
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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