When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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