I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
