How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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