then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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