My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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