Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
