you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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