I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
