I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
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