Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
