The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
