remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
