It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
