i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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