you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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